Can't understand.

I don't know how it is okay for a person to not tell you what's going on when they're sad or depressed when you have asked them what's up, but then get upset when you do the same. How does that even make sense. I don't get upset by it. I say to myself this person doesn't want to talk about it, the emotions are too raw, whatever, but I don't walk away from the person all mad.

I have a million things going through my mind. I can't sleep for shit, I'm tired all the time, my head always hurts. I've been thinking a lot about how I will probably never have children. I never wanted kids, for as long as I can remember I didn't desire to be a mother. Now, now that I have realized that I probably can't have kids, I feel lost.. like half a woman or something. It's on my mind everyday. No one I know can understand that. The problems I have going through my mind are problems no one can solve. I'm not sure if I can even solve some of them myself. I have felt so alone.. alone with my thoughts. The people in my life don't get it, they aren't me. They don't feel like I feel. How can they ever understand everything, or help with any of it. They will hold my hand or hug me when I'm sad, listen while I talk and cry, pet my hair when I'm in pain. It comforts me, it doesn't solve anything. I'm a broken record, the song that never ends, an unsolvable riddle. I'm a neon tiger. Everyone loves me, everyone wants to pet me and hold me. Yet all I do is try to escape, even if it's just into the darkness of my own mind where I can suffer in silence. There I can be free to dwell on things, be broken without anyone trying to fix me. That in some strange way is a comfort, a comfort I can't understand. A comfort I don't want. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Hate

I hate everyone. I hate everything. I hate having to smile when all I want to do is cry. I hate hearing people's voices. I hate hearing them talk about how great their lives are. I hate hearing how terrible their lives are and laugh at their petty problems. I hate liars and manipulators. I hate people that say they have done everything, no matter what you say they have already seen or done it.. twice. I hate stupidity and ignorance. I hate when bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people. I hate birds. I hate that the people that have said that they would always be here for me are not, and I hate that I worry about that ones that actually are here for me will leave me. I hate that that thought makes me cry myself to sleep sometimes. I hate that I haven't done any of the things that I want to do with my life. I hate feeling this way. I hate my life. I hate me. I hate that there is nothing I can do to change it. I hate that I don't have the balls to talk about it with anyone and have to write all this here. I hate that this pathetic excuse for a blog is the first thing that I have posted in over a year.

I'm just gonna type some things out because there is no one here for me to speak it to.  My life is in total chaos.  I have almost nothing left to give.  I give and give and give, but it's never enough.  I'm always the strong one, always the smart one, the one that people count on.  So many people depend on me being there for them, for me to be strong for them.  But who is there to be strong for me?  Fucking no one.  Even if there was, what the fuck could they do?  They would probably just make things worse anyway or they would end up going down on the ship with me.  The more people that get involved the worse it seems to get or the more people I seem to disappoint.  For example, if I'm doing something for someone at the moment, that means someone else is getting neglected and disappointed, which makes me feel like shit.  I don't have any tears left to cry, in fact I'm beyond crying at this point.  I'm numb to the situation.  I go through the motions day to day.  This is my life, all I can do is prepare for the worst and hope for the best.  Yeah, right.  I'm just... done.

For Tonya...

How do you let go of someone you have known all your life?  I'm finding that it is harder than I would have imagined.  I found out a little while ago that my friend of 22 years passed away on Wednesday.  I had not seen her in about 2 years, and that is the damnable misery of it all.  I will never be able to tell her how much I really loved her, how much I missed her during that time.  Her and her twin sister Tasha were like my family when I was growing up.  Even after I moved away they came to visit me.  And even after some time passed and we would run into each other again it was like no time had passed at all, the friendship was as strong as it ever was.  I know how terrible her life had been, certified crazy parents, disease, poor, trashy, being picked on, but none of that made her into a bad person.  She was one of the people that I didn't have to be anyone but myself for.  Even though we believed different things, liked different things, became different people, we were all still the best of friends because we knew that it was our differences that made our friendship stronger.  She was one of the people that was there for me when truly no one, not even family was.  

I have been lucky to have a lot of friends, but I am blessed to have friends that are more than friends.  People that really care for you, that would cry because you are crying, that are loyal, that would fight for you, lie for you, steal for you, and people that would love you whole hearted and unconditionally no matter what.  I now have one person less.

When Is It Going To Be Enough?

The answer to the above question for myself is never.  There is never going to be a day where I can just be me.  People depend on me far, far too much.  I'm always the strong one, the one that can be counted on, the one that will be there no matter what.  I am always at work, I don't call in unless I'm practically dying and I never leave early.  Even if I feel like total shit, I go to work or stay at work because I know they need me and I would feel bad.  Same thing with family life.  I have almost zero personal time because I'm doing this thing for my mom or that thing for my brother.  Somewhere I lost myself.  I have given up so much for everyone, espeically my mom and brother, and a "thank you, love you" is about all he payment I've received for all my sacrifices.  The burden has been weighing on me very heavily recently.  Inside I want to cry all the time, but put on my stong and happy face for those that need me to be their support, their strengh, their backbone.  I guess that is what I am to people that know me.  I am everything that they can't be.

Brand New

This is my first blog on here and it's going to blow.  I released all my rage on my last myspace blog, so I'll be good for a minute.  

It's super late and I'm super tired.  Someone forced (lol) me to go to brunch with him, so I've been up since morning, which never happens.  I'm off to bed.  <3