I don't know how it is okay for a person to not tell you what's going on when they're sad or depressed when you have asked them what's up, but then get upset when you do the same. How does that even make sense. I don't get upset by it. I say to myself this person doesn't want to talk about it, the emotions are too raw, whatever, but I don't walk away from the person all mad.
I have a million things going through my mind. I can't sleep for shit, I'm tired all the time, my head always hurts. I've been thinking a lot about how I will probably never have children. I never wanted kids, for as long as I can remember I didn't desire to be a mother. Now, now that I have realized that I probably can't have kids, I feel lost.. like half a woman or something. It's on my mind everyday. No one I know can understand that. The problems I have going through my mind are problems no one can solve. I'm not sure if I can even solve some of them myself. I have felt so alone.. alone with my thoughts. The people in my life don't get it, they aren't me. They don't feel like I feel. How can they ever understand everything, or help with any of it. They will hold my hand or hug me when I'm sad, listen while I talk and cry, pet my hair when I'm in pain. It comforts me, it doesn't solve anything. I'm a broken record, the song that never ends, an unsolvable riddle. I'm a neon tiger. Everyone loves me, everyone wants to pet me and hold me. Yet all I do is try to escape, even if it's just into the darkness of my own mind where I can suffer in silence. There I can be free to dwell on things, be broken without anyone trying to fix me. That in some strange way is a comfort, a comfort I can't understand. A comfort I don't want. I just don't know what to do anymore.
